When Life Doesn't Turn Out the Way You Expected
Finding a way forward doesn't mean denying our grief and disappointment.
Note from Dena:
I’m thrilled to share an essay from a new friend I’ve met through the amazing community on Substack. Her name is Sam, and I know what she shares today will be encouraging to those of you who—like me—have found yourselves in disappointing or distressing circumstances.
What do we do when we wake up one day and realize our life looks nothing like the life we had once dreamed of for ourselves? How do we keep going when disappointments leave us feeling broken? Where do we turn when losses seem so big that we feel we cannot take one more step forward?
My life today looks nothing like the life I had once pictured for myself. By 38, I expected to have a family full of children in a comfortable house on a big plot of land. I planned to either stay home and raise my babies or work in a fulfilling job, counseling and helping others live their best lives.
But the thing about expectations is that so often they serve only to feed disappointment and frustration.
Instead of living the life I once envisioned, today I find myself childless, living in a small house in a crowded town, with neighbors that sometimes feel a little too close for comfort and a chronic illness that has changed my life in ways I never imagined. Some days I find myself talking to God, telling Him, “It wasn’t supposed to look like this. When do I get my happily-ever-after?”
But if you’ve been doing this adulting thing for more than a few days, you’ve likely come to know what I have as well, that life is not a fairy tale and disappointments are inevitable. More often than not, we cannot control the outcomes in our lives, no matter how hard we try.
From everyday discouragements like an argument with a spouse to life-altering defeats like divorce or the death of a loved one, this whole disappointment thing can leave us feeling downright broken.
So what do we do when we are left to feel that things should somehow be better than they are? How do we deal with disappointments—and still live the best life we possibly can?
First, we must acknowledge disappointments and give ourselves time to grieve.
It’s hard when our hopes and dreams don’t come to fruition. When this happens, it’s important to give yourself permission to grieve the life you once dreamed of. Acknowledging the difficulty of the situation and giving yourself time to sit with your feelings of frustration and disappointment is the first step towards moving forward.
Let yourself feel the hurt and discouragement. You might try sharing your heart with a trusted friend or journaling about your feelings to help process them. But don’t stay here for too long. Once you’ve wrestled with your feelings about your current place in life, try to accept where you are today and begin the process of moving forward.
Second, learn to embrace the here and now.
Although you may not be where you once pictured yourself, taking the time to embrace this season of your life is crucial. We can do this by practicing mindfulness and being more present. Mindfulness is more than just some trendy topic in the world of self-care. It can be so beneficial to our health, well-being, and satisfaction with life.
Don’t wait to be happy. Constantly wishing you were somewhere else or telling yourself, “I’ll finally be happy when ____ happens” is robbing you of the joy that can be found in the present moment.
Today is all we have, and truthfully, tomorrow is never promised. Learning to find joy today is so important. After you give yourself time to grieve, try your best to accept what is and endeavor to make the most out of your current circumstances.
Third, allow yourself to rely on and reconnect with God.
This is one of the most fruitful things that can happen when disappointments leave us feeling shattered.
When things get hard and we find ourselves in an especially difficult season of life, we may feel that we’ve hit rock bottom. However, this can be a beautiful place to be, because it’s often where we begin to seek understanding and comfort from our Maker.
When we feel like we have nothing left in us to fight one more day, we can turn instead to God to find our strength. Trust that during this time, God still has a plan for you. Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us of God’s promises: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
Know that God has allowed you to come to this place, and trust that He will make something meaningful out of it. Our darkest seasons are often the ones that draw us closer to Jesus—and this is a beautiful thing.
Finally, change your perspective.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself or angry that things didn’t turn out the way you expected, it can be helpful to change the way you see things and choose an attitude of thankfulness.
Even amidst losses and letdowns, it’s possible to be grateful for all we still have in our lives, what we’ve learned from this time, and the possibilities the future holds.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 encourages us to “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Adopting a posture of gratitude helps to make what we do have in our lives enough to sustain us and bring us joy.
Try to look for the hidden blessings in your current situation. I know it can be difficult to be thankful when life feels hard and unfair, but I’ve truly found that the more I embrace gratitude, the more I find to be grateful for.
The truth is, life often looks very different from the life we may have planned. But there can be grace and goodness in this unexpected side of life. We just have to learn to look for it.
When we choose to accept, embrace, and be thankful for the life we’ve been given, we can begin to see the abundance of blessings all around us. This is how we learn to fall in love with a life that looks different than the one we once imagined. And this is how we find more joy.
About the author:
Sam DeCosmo is a writer, wife, and old soul who believes in the power of vulnerability and sharing our stories. She's found purpose and healing through the words she writes to encourage others living with chronic and mental illness. Her writing has been featured in Grit & Virtue, The Mighty, Iola Magazine, My Way Back, and other publications. In addition to her Substack, Beautiful Anyway, she shares her heart on Instagram @sam.decosmo and her blog apurposeinpain.com, where she aims to help others find joy and meaning amid life's challenges. When she's not reading or writing, you can probably find her exploring nature with her rescue dogs.
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Until next month—I pray God sends You reminders of His love in unmistakable ways.
Many blessings,
Dena
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Can’t thank you enough for sharing my words with your community. I hope they land with someone who needs some hope today. I know I’ve already said it, but I’m really grateful we connected ❤️
It was a gift to be able to share a part of your story. Thank YOU for being honest and real. I am praying the piece reaches the perfect people at just the right time. I am very glad we connected, too!